This is part blog, part personal letter to my golden child shadow. Some of you might be familiar with the term, but I know for many of you it’s probably very confusing. That’s how I felt when I first heard it. In fact, when I first heard it, I was always slightly defensive.
Several years ago, my sister used the term ‘golden child’ to describe me, and my instinct was that she thought my life was easier than hers. My first reaction was to deny it, but after reading more about the golden child and what it refers to, I understood where she was coming from.
So, before I dive into my personal letter, let’s take a closer look at what the golden child is and how it particularly affects South Asian communities.
What Is the Golden Child?
Put simply, the golden child in a family is seen as perfect or favoured by their parents. They are often praised for their achievements, looks, or behaviours, and held to high standards. In the context of South Asian families, the golden child is expected to be perfect—the role model. They are supposed to bring pride to the family. Achievements, obedience, and sacrifice become their identity.
Beneath that “golden” surface, there’s often struggle—pressure, anxiety, and an overwhelming fear of failure.
For me, the pressure came from my mum. Neither she nor I realized it at the time, but the expectation was there: get the grades, act a certain way, and be the “good little boy.” To others, it may have looked like I had it all. In my household, I could get away with things my sister couldn’t. This dynamic was further complicated by cultural factors and gender roles; I was a male in a culture that valued boys differently, which added another layer of inequality.
But my reality was different from what people saw:
• I was a people pleaser, always trying to make everyone happy.
• I didn’t know how to manage my emotions, so I suppressed them.
• The pressure to succeed was constant, and I couldn’t help but compare myself to others.
• I felt like I was never good enough—stuck, isolated, and struggling to make friends.
• My self-esteem was low, even when everything seemed perfect on the outside.
• I carried shame and guilt about who I was, especially when things didn’t go perfectly or when I made mistakes.
• I feared failing and feared being successful because of judgement of others. I was stuck in this limbo state where I was not living up to my potential and I repeatedly unconsciously sabotaged myself.
As I delved deeper into these experiences and began working to free myself from these behaviours, I realized the problem wasn’t necessarily the “golden child” role, but the golden child shadow.
What Is the Golden Child Shadow?
The golden child shadow refers to the unconscious and repressed aspects of a person who was often seen as the “golden child” in their family. Here are the key aspects of the golden child shadow:
1. Repressed Authentic Self: They may suppress their true desires, emotions, or flaws to maintain their “perfect” image, leading to a disconnection from their authentic self.
2. Fear of Failure or Rejection: The golden child often grows up fearing failure or making mistakes because their value was linked to their achievements or behaviours. This fear becomes part of their shadow, leading to anxiety, perfectionism, and self-criticism.
3. Guilt and Shame: They might feel unworthy or guilty if they don’t meet high expectations. Even minor mistakes can trigger intense shame, which gets pushed into the shadow.
4. Neglected Emotions: Negative emotions like anger, jealousy, or sadness may have been discouraged or punished, so they learned to repress these feelings. This unexpressed emotional energy can manifest as passive-aggressive behaviours, sudden outbursts, or internal turmoil.
5. Resentment: They may harbours hidden resentment towards the pressure placed on them, the lack of freedom, or feeling unseen for who they truly are. This resentment often stays buried in the shadow and can surface in harmful ways.
6. Dependency on Validation: The golden child shadow may involve an unconscious dependence on external validation to feel worthy, struggling with low self-esteem when praise is absent.
What makes this even more interesting is that, in my own coaching and therapy sessions, I’ve realized the golden child was often a projection of my mum’s shadow. For example, my success and “perfection” reflected positively on her, helping her feel validated and seen. In reality, this masked her own insecurities. Of course, I’m not blaming my mother—she had gone through so much herself and was coping the best she could. But shedding light on this dynamic helps me understand how I was affected. Becoming aware of these things and overcoming them not only helps me but also my family.
The Impact of the Golden Child Shadow
The impact of the golden child shadow can be described further in the following ways:
1. Pressure to Perform: The child feels immense pressure to maintain the parent’s idealized image, suppressing their true self to avoid disappointing the parent.
2. Identity Confusion: They might struggle to distinguish their own desires from those imposed by the parent, leading to a lack of authentic self-awareness.
3. Guilt and Resentment: The golden child may unconsciously resent the parent’s control or feel guilty for receiving more attention than their siblings.
My Letter to the Golden Boy Shadow
Now that I’ve explained my experience and what the golden child is, here is my letter to the golden boy shadow. This letter isn’t about “killing” the golden boy, but more about letting go of the golden boy shadow- the role you were forced to play. This is about reclaiming my identity and being my authentic self.
• Death to perfection: It’s time to release the need to be perfect.
• Death to comparison: Stop measuring your worth by others’ expectations.
• Death to people-pleasing: You don’t have to earn love.
When the golden child dies, the real you is born.
A man who’s free to live, feel, and grow—on his own terms.
__________________________________________
Dear Golden Boy Shadow,
Thank you for getting me this far in life. You have played a significant role in helping me become the man I am today. But enough is enough.
I am tired and fed up with the constant need to perform and please others. I am exhausted from carrying the weight of shame and guilt. It’s time for me to step into my power.
I know who I want to be, and I am ready to pursue my goals with purpose. There is no longer space for me to lean into the fear you have of disappointing others and “not being good enough.”
I choose to lead with love and honour my values. It sounds extreme, and in some ways, it is—but it’s time for the golden boy shadow to die. For me, this is how I will live my own authentic life.
Thank you, golden child shadow. I release you with gratitude, and now I step into my authentic life.
Healing from the Golden Boy Shadow Is Possible
Thank you for reading this far. Whether you find it interesting, or it helps you build some awareness in your own life—or for someone you know—I hope it has sparked something within you. Healing from the golden boy shadow is not only possible, but it’s also incredibly liberating.
For me, a blend of coaching, somatic experiencing, journaling, and inner child work has been the most transformative in breaking free from the golden child shadow.
Ready to Break Free and Live Your Authentic Life?
If you’ve carried the weight of expectations, struggled with self-doubt, or faced the pressure of always having to be perfect, I see you. I understand the struggle. You don’t have to do this alone—I’m here to support you every step of the way.
In my 1:1 coaching, we’ll work together to:
• Release the shadows holding you back
• Rediscover your true self
• Build a life grounded in confidence, purpose, and self-love
You deserve to live fully, without the burden of old patterns.
👉 👉 https://calendly.com/jagunath-sva/datingondemand
Let’s take the first step toward healing and empowerment—together.