About

I struggled with dating for a long time. It wasn’t until I was 23 that I even properly started dating.

The worst thing isn’t even the fact I started ‘late’ compared to others around me, but the fact even though there was potential interest around me, I struggled to initiate the conversation around women I liked.

I couldn’t ask them out and had no clue how to take it to the next level.

I would go nervous, and start going red/blushing and sweating.

I would get tongue tied or there would be awkward silences, or I would say something stupid/silly.

For years, I felt paralysed in my head, unable to say what I wanted to or how I felt whilst longing to be in a relationship.

I could also, easily persuade myself to not talk to women or voice how I felt due to feeling fear and anxiety.

I really wanted to feel, fall, and be in love but didn’t know what that meant, felt, or looked like.

All this time, I was relentlessly observing others trying to figure out who I needed to be, to become a desirable person and successful in dating.

I was observing my friends but despite them all telling me to say and do many things, it never worked out.

And even if I thought I saw someone eyeing me up or heard through friends that someone liked me, I just couldn’t take the next step.

It feels stupid to write this out and I thought it was stupid at the time- How could I struggle to ask someone out especially if they liked me?

But sadly, and frustratingly this is how it was!

I was also overthinking, as to whether the person in front of me was the right person for me.
• Are they good looking good enough?
• What would other people think about her?
• Do I want to fall in love with them?
• Do they even like me?
• What should I say?

These questions sound silly, and even arrogant in some way, but this is how I thought.

I just wanted a method to be able to ask someone out and KNOW they would say yes and not turn me down.

On the outside, I was overweight, and I was also struggling with body dysmorphia, I didn’t know what this was until a lot later, but this was literally a massive factor ruining my confidence and making me self-loathe.

I was also super quiet, scared of speaking out and avoiding being the center of attention even in groups of 3. I was socially anxious and didn’t know how to escape.

Porn and Food were the main emotional outlet that helped me numb any unpleasant emotions, but little did I realise the long-term effect this was having on me and how it was a self-sabotaging behaviour.

On this inside I was riddled with anxiety, I didn’t realize it, nor did I even know what anxiety was until later BUT I was stuck ruminating, sweating, and stuck in my head panicking about what people would be thinking about me and how I was being perceived by other people.

It wasn’t until I was around 21 that I was introduced to the self-help world.

I read books and courses. I was almost certain that if I could lose weight, build more confidence, and speak to more women I would get better with dating, and find the ideal person for me.

It was the same era that RSD a pick-up artist (PUA) company was blowing up on YouTube. I was watching their videos regularly, alongside ‘old school’ Elliot Hulse. I started to implement what I was watching from dating advice to fitness advice.

I was starting to connect to myself deeper building confidence in myself and connecting to my ‘heart’.

I was also discovering more meaning in my life, and I was going on countless dates and getting with women who liked me.

I was dancing (Hip-hop, breaking, and afro) regularly at this time which helped me get more in touch with my body.

It was a great time for me, and I felt on top of the world.

People around me felt the transformation and complimented me on the change.

The EPIPHANY I had was I HAD THE POWER TO CHANGE MY LIFE WITHIN ME, despite thinking previously I was ‘stuck and unlucky’ and hoping for a miracle or I would get lucky. I WAS ABLE TO FINALLY TAKE MY POWER BACK INTO MY HANDS.

I was previously stuck in my head but never really asked the right questions or asked for help. I felt like a VICTIM in life and that I had no control, no matter what I did.

I discovered with a plan and the right help; I could change my life and get the results I wanted.

But it wasn’t long before I began to run in circles where I would get results but then fall back to my old self. I would take 4 steps forward but then take 3 steps back. I was progressing slowly, but it seemed like so much EFFORT than what other people were putting in to grow.

I knew effort was required but this felt like inefficient effort, and I found it hard to feel any form of gratitude or joy when I did get results.

I was going on dates, but the attraction would fizzle out and I would be stuck in the same place.

It was no longer a numbers game; I was going on dates, but I struggled to connect on a deeper level or go beyond the initial attraction. Even if we took it to the next step physically, I would end up in the same place, and being physical with another woman was no longer as enjoyable as it had been initially.

I realised something had to change.

I was stuck in a loop where I knew externally, I could keep taking action and growing but I would still be internally unhappy and keep seeking for something else. The PUA and dating advice I was getting, was no longer helping me get results that were meaningful or long-lasting.

I was stuck between WANTING to find a partner and being SCARED to find a partner.

I was aware of my self-sabotaging behavior. Being aware, was the easy part.

The HARD part was knowing what I needed to do next to get more meaningful results.

I wanted results that were authentic to myself and more meaningful to me.

This led me in the direction of men’s groups and working on myself with coaches, on a more intimate level than I had ever done before.

I was learning about my inner child, being potently present, vulnerability in a deeper grounded way, sexual shame and intimacy, and finding balance in my feminine and masculine sides through somatic work.

I was realizing being aware of self-sabotaging beliefs was just a growth at a surface layer. All these courses I had been on such as NLP and life coaching, were never really helping me in a deeper internal manner to help shift me to my future goals.

They were useful and needed at the start of my journey, but they were now just reinforcing the belief ‘I needed to be fixed and would never be good enough’.

To achieve the shift I needed, I had to be aware, understand, and be present with my inner child, man, and protector within me.

This transformation led me to find my ideal partner, falling in love, and actually being able to manage a relationship without feeling out of control and being scared.

The ultimate transformation however wasn’t getting married, making more money, getting fitter, and having amazing holidays/adventures with my partner. It was the fact I finally was able to:
– Find purpose and meaning in my life.
– Be confident, assertive, and content in life.
– Being able to be more social and hold conversations and not be socially anxious weird and shy.
– Feel and be more masculine when I needed to be and be more comfortable being feminine when I needed to be without judgment or fear.
– Find presence and joy in every moment throughout the day.
– Do things I enjoy and would have been scared to do before.
– Being mentally and sexually intimate with someone in a more relaxed and meaningful manner.
– Being able to manage and even overcome my anxiety in situations that would have ‘broken’ me before.
– Experience life on a whole new more abundant, meaningful, connected, and joyful way than ever before.